Tuesday, September 9, 2008

The Women I have Not Slept With

Dear Reader,

I'm a little delinquent on the new essay & will need a few more days to write it. As I wrote in my last, I am trying to write substantial pieces, & they take a little time. So please accept this poem, more recent than my book, Things I Must Have Known, as a token of good faith. It was written as an alternative to the tell-all books that many people, including some friends of mine, keep publishing. I truly do not understand this imperative to confes all to the world & name everybody whom you did the nasty with in the process. So I thought that I'd write the un-tell all poem.

A. B. Spellman

The Women I Have Not Slept With
For all my friends who have written tell-all books

they number in the trillions & that’s if i only count
the living. for example, i have not slept with maggie
thatcher & not because of her ”iron maiden” cognomen
no i perceive a certain low simmer there
i have not slept with her because she’s too far right
i’m too far left & that’s too much miscegenation
to arouse. nor have i slept with that woman
monica lewinsky or hillary clinton, though
i did have a shot with hillary & i have a photograph
to prove it. that’s me shaking hands with her, head
cocked to the side, a mating signal in every mammal male
& i think i saw something in the curl of her mouth
but i couldn’t make my move there in the gold room
with the line pushing at my back. but we’ll see, we’ll see
i have not slept with madonna

before you get the impression that i’ve only not slept
with white women, i have not slept with oprah either
no fault of hers, no fault of mine, we just never hooked up
never made it with vanessa williams & that one hurts
she split on me in a sexual fantasy. took one look
at my admittedly adipose body & disappeared &
wouldn’t come back. to my fantasy. broke my tumescent heart
& then there’s chaka khan. sweet sweet chaka
the lust of my life. i did get to hug her once
a nice belly to belly rub but my boss was in the room
& it went nowhere. she sent me a box of chakalets

& so it goes or doesn’t. if i haven’t slept with you &
haven’t mentioned you please don’t be offended
i’m not the kind of guy to not kiss & tell & anyway
i thought you deserved your own poem